It's been a while ...

I know, I know ... It has been ages since I last wrote anything on here. I have been busy with lots of other things and not been bothered to post. I am still planning to move away from Blogger, to get a proper website up instead. However, I have been thinking about doing so for a long time and have yet to do so. Might as well post again then, right?

Will post about a project I have been working on for well over a year now. I could and maybe should have done so earlier, but oh well. When having a place like this, where it feels it is way outdated, I am not really interested. No point in updating the source either, which has likely broken here and there. What is the point when planning to get a new site up instead? So yeah, my next post is about a Unity game in the works. Once that project is finished I plan to start work on a new website. In the meantime, posts on here will be rare I guess.

Just some random bla bla ...

You know that feeling, when you have a diary and pick it up again? That is what I usually feel when I get on my website. Reality kicking in again, thinking about things I have done (or not), things I wish to do and whatever else I got on my mind. Well, ... this is one of those moments, so let me share some things.

I had big plans until not even all that long ago. Was working on and preparing my new website. Learned about HTML5, WebGL, various Javascript frameworks, security implementation and whatever else involved. Fooled around with Blender to design a 3D world and parts of the world that I had planned. I wanted my website to be visualized as a 3D interactive world. I was honestly looking forward to actually getting things done server side instead of coding client side with lots of testing. Well, I had to put all those plans on hold when I lost my webserver because the host quit for understandable reasons. Now several months later I also lost the Minecraft server as well as Teamspeak. Not all that big a deal since I haven't actively been playing Minecraft at all for quite some time now, just sad to have lost the option though. I do miss my Teamspeak, which has always been a nice public meeting place for most my friends, even though there are plenty other ways to communicate or voice. It has been a while now, but I have to look forward again and see if I can find solutions. Just not sure if I can afford or find a proper place where I can take my time to realize some of these things I would love to do. I probably have too many hobbies to make it worth it in the first place. Maybe I am thinking too big as well, but one can dream though ...

Flat Earth, my ASS!!!

I bet those who believe this wont even see curvature when I moon them!

It is disturbing to see how many actually give up on common sense, basic math and known and mostly proven science nowadays.

My god ...

Deep deep down we all know what's right and what's wrong. I follow this inner knowledge and seek MY truth as well as I can. I am sure, no matter how different we appear to be, we all boil down to be pretty much the same. This my friends is my so called 'god', I don't need a book and I sure would not call it religion. I am not forcing it on anyone, I just try to be as sensible as I can in a world we live in TOGETHER. I am ME and you are YOU and I love you all! MUAHHH!

I feel like music lately

Not quite sure what or who triggered the desire to start making music again, but dang I can't wait to do so once my computer setup is done. Maybe the fact some of my online friends are making music or perhaps YouTube videos passing by on Facebook or just my love for music in general has to do with it. Could also be those depressive moments reaching for really old memories I have left on cassette. I just don't know what truly makes me want to, but it doesn't matter either, just one of my many hobbies. I am writing this post while watching/listening to the 'Burma Shave' DVD on my other monitor triggered by Facebook for sure ;-) as Kat Boelskov posted a message just right now, this must be a sign ... lol. Tom Waits reminds me of a mash-up I did a few years ago which you can find here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QCS09JuDZoo. I have also been listening to some more recent but still old tracks on my PlayStation (Music2000 and MusicGenerator2), which are pretty crappy by the way, now that I listened to them again (enough reason for not posting a Facebook link to those). Most of my best work, made when I started out making music was never recorded or got lost. Too bad I don't have a studio like friends used to have back in the days when I lived in Amsterdam. We had several keyboards, a drum computer, Korg MS20 synthesizer, sampler, Commodore Amiga, PC with Cakewalk, 3 turntables and even an 8-tracker to record with. This got me into DJ-ing/creating quite a bit of Ambient and together we created some pretty good up-beat, dance and hardcore tracks as well, but I was a terrible DJ at that. Some days ago I started looking on the internet for software to use and that led me to this site: http://www.soundation.com. Found out Cakewalk - which we used a lot back in the early 90's  - is still going strong with Sonar X3. I hardly have any equipment I can really use, so software will have to do next to possibly hooking up my PSX/PS2, crappy mixing panel and old record player. Not sure what results this will lead to, but at least I am sure to enjoy the ride :-)

Will keep you all up-to-date or remain in silence if my perfectionism doesn't allow me to share whatever creations come from it, which could be anything ...

Random thought

"I 'AM' already, just on my way to match the full experience".

What's next ...

    It feels weird to post on my 'old' website. Can't wait to continue working on my new website, but for that I want my new computer to be fully operational. Too bad building my new computer has to wait a couple more days because I am waiting for a cable that was supposed to be delivered with the Power Supply. Once my new rig is ready and working properly I will clean up and re-install my old gremlin to become part of my new network setup together with my laptop. It's going to be awesome with a total of 4 separate monitors and my laptop. I am glad I have plenty of room for it, although I am even considering to move all to my spare bedroom. Problem with moving there would be the distance and cables needed to create proper connections for internet. Another downside is the lack of comfy-ness, music and atmosphere, becoming too much of an office. So I guess I'd better stick to my setup for the streaming/gaming/work computer in the cupboard next to the dining table. The dining table itself will then get my other 2 monitors for the 2nd desktop (backup/storage/streaming) and laptop (server) as well as a mixing panel and other needed extras. Glad my dining table is very big and easily allows for it while still being able to have a proper meal with 2. I could later on move part of the dining table setup to the left of the cupboard if I wish to. Just need to build some proper furniture to house things.

    While I am waiting on that cable to be delivered, I took some time looking at keyboards and mice. I think I think I made a nice choice with the Logitech G19s keyboard and G700s mouse. For now I will be done shopping since I am about to go broke ... lol. But hey, I gave it long enough to think about spending such amounts of money for the full built of my new rig. I know I have some other priorities as well, but I see it as an opportunity to take some other things more seriously from now on. Screw new boobs, this computer is an investment!

    I am planning to take coding and design more seriously from now on to return some of the costs. I am mentally forcing myself to do so and to be honest, IT FEELS GOOD :-P I am however not forced to actually find a way to earn that money back since I did manage to save up for it over the last couple of YEARS ... *sigh*. This is probably the reason why I am quite content with this decision, although I still want my boobies :-(

    Next to taking things serious there is still plenty of time to have fun. I will soon start creating a new modpack for the dedicated Minecraft server, pick another game again to run as a server on the laptop and start coding some more for the new website. Will discuss a possible new server with Rockstar Hosting and a friend of mine, so he can fully take care of yet another dedicated game server for us to play on. I will help out on that one if needed, but it will be his, so no stress there. Teamspeak will still be around of course and hopefully become more active again. Dang, I ... might even start streaming again ... KAPPA. I said 'might' because I certainly don't want to feel any pressure there. IF I do..., big fat IF ... , it will be on Hitbox for sure. Enough said about Twitch, a full move was long due, but I need to re-code my mIRC chatbot to websockets and therefor not feeling fully prepared yet. I have grown way too fond of Pixy_Bot. Besides, I lost the fun in streaming quite some time ago and I won't be back till I feel I can enjoy myself again without feeling the need to complain and most of all disappointed.

    The website is a big project and I sure have plans with it. Hopefully I will manage to turn it into an awesome place that is all about ME and a great hangout for friends around. I am open to suggestions or ideas, *winks* at some of my loyal followers ;-) This goes for mod suggestions for the Minecraft server as well ;-)

    Though 'strangely' enough kinda skeered, I am looking forward to 'new' things to come.

“How do you know your going to do something, untill you do it?” ~ J. D. Salinger

Mehh ... ?

It's been a while since I lasted posted, but here's an update. Been pretty busy for others and struggling with myself at the same time. I am always struggling, yay for being me. Circumstances led to time for myself again and here I am feeling eager to start on several things, although I am still feeling kinda down and without energy. I am itching to start Minecraft projects, some coding stuff and maybe even streaming, but at the same time scared to end up doing too much and forcing myself to quit again. I am full of ideas though and I feel there are opportunities I should really grab. Remaining indecisive, doing half of anything, is not the solution. Hopefully once I truly allow myself to dive in, I will be able to get some things done and finish some long awaited projects.

Some things that are planned and/or being worked on:

• Moving away from Blogger and re-building my website from scratch on a true host.
• Complete new website will most likely contain a lot of WebGL and 3D effects, but no spoilers yet.
• Project Pixy, starting a new Minecraft project which includes GregTech ;-P
• Fun Paradise II & III - The Movie (uploads to YouTube)
• Might be doing a Minecraft building project which I have been asked to help out with, but needs further discussion first.
• Considering to start streaming again, either on Hitbox or Twitch.
• Twitch/Hitbox extension/plugin and Pixy_Bot re-vamped implementation/makeover.
• Another old idea for chat interaction.
• Making music again, it's been ages and always loved working on tracks. Could do some cool video with it for YouTube uploads.
• several other ideas to work on over time.
• Working on myself instead of fleeing into helping others, love it and hate it, I don't allow myself time to get anywhere myself.

All-in-all a lot of work and not sure what has priority. Considering I usually do all by myself some of these things will definitely take some time getting finished. I will just work on whatever I feel like at the moment, so I don't really have a schedule at all. I noticed I cant really deal with pressuring myself too much. Love being 'Miss Perfect', but hate having such high goals/standards. So yeah, what the heck, we shall see. I should focus on my own life which DOES have priority, but at the same time DONT feel like it at all. So tired and burned out, yet so ambitious and anxious to accomplish anything. I might as well not care all too much at the moment, because I am more than happy to at least do something and hopefully that will lead to 'loving' myself a bit more. Stop thinking and worrying, just do something, anything!

Mehh, just mehhh ... and dang ... once again, ... I start posting and writing and I feel guilty towards myself for not doing this more often. It does me well and makes me feel 'real' again. And another thing ... why do I feel so effing scared? Prolly afraid to fail the things I promise myself to accomplish ... *sigh*.

Not feeling it!

    I need to get my 'real life' sorted so I don't have to worry as much anymore. I want to be the good old 'happy' me again who enjoys the things she does. I need to stop forcing myself to continue doing things I used to enjoy so much. With the joy being overshadowed by worries and neglecting myself there is no true fun. If I do not take care of myself right now, it will not end well. I want fun again ... Don't get me wrong, I love you all, but for now I have to put myself first. Seems egoistic and it does feel that way for me. However I do realize both you and me will benefit eventually.
    I love to stream, I love running a server for you, I love to hang out with you guys and gals, I love to do many things with or for you all. Too bad you and me can only truly enjoy these things when I am feeling well. For a long time I have not truly been enjoying this anymore, but forced myself to continue. This has nothing to do with any of you, but all has to do with me. I try to enjoy, I pretend to smile and we do have our 'good' moments, but deep down I am crying rivers and feel unhappy, not because of you, but because of ME. This needs to change.
    My headaches are terrible and seem to recur on a regular basis now. I still haven't had surgery and this won't even happen, because I stopped making appointments needed to get there. My house is a mess and has been for over a year. Not answering the phone, checking my mail, or responding to the doorbell. I am spiraling down and down into depression. I am as depressed as can be and need to put a hold on this before I reach the bottom. I have tried and fought so damn hard all my life to get somewhere, but got frikkin' tired, exhausted and burned-out. Disappointed, upset, angry ... I hardly feel or care anymore ... fleeing is not a solution, this needs to end, right NOW.
    I am sorry, I will be around, I can't do this alone, I need those who love me or care for me. I will be there when I am and won't be when I am not, just can't make any promises. I need to take care of ME now that I still can. Hope you can understand and this doesn't come as a shock.

Love you all ... muahhh

Quote

"That terrible mood of depression of whether it's any good or not is what is known as The Artist's Reward." ~ Ernest Hemingway

Underhell and more ...

Been some very long nights streaming Underhell on Twitch TV. Had a bit of a rough night last night and still not feeling too well. Making some highlights on Twitch right now to possibly upload them to YouTube later. I should however call it an early night if I want to keep those headaches from coming back. So sorry, feel guilty for another two nights of not streaming, but I need to get well. I should be back tomorrow though, to do some last things in 'The house' in Underhell and wrap this game up for now until the release of the next chapter. Hope everyone can forgive me, but if I don't get some time off it will prolly make things worse. Early night for me and hopefully back fresh tomorrow.

UNDERHELL

     Been chilling the last few days and feeling somewhat better now. Still have those headaches, but not as often anymore, woot! Been doing some well needed laundry and made a start on cleaning up the kitchen. Just a start though, should have done more, oh well. Cleaned up my computer a bit and moved some stuff to another drive, because my main drive was almost full. I really have to re-install everything completely, but that will take me a few days. Checked some of the games that were gifted to me as well as some of the games I bought myself. I got quite a lot of games in a short time and really want to start on several of them. First I need to shop for groceries though, I have nothing left to eat and even my cat is out of food. Looking at the time, this means I have to hurry now and go get myself a shower.
    I feel like streaming again :) However, I do not feel like Minecraft at all. I am thinking of making it a long weekend with lots of coffee and maybe even a drink or two (been so sick I never got to get a drink last weekend). A new game I got myself will be enough game-time to fill up the full weekend as well I think. So yeah, 'Underhell' it is ... Not even sure how I found this game - must have been Kotaku. I am not really a big fan of First Person Shooters, but I do love a good story and am a big fan of horror. I have a few other games that would fit though and I might decide to play and stream different games than Minecraft more often. I just hope my computer will be able to cope with all those fancy graphics. Will see how it goes, hope to see you all later tonight on Twitch ... off to the shower now ;-)

For those interested:

website: http://underhell.wecreatestuff.com/

download: http://www.moddb.com/mods/underhell

To play, requirements and installation instructions are mentioned on the download page.

No sleep and more headaches

Still hardly got any sleep. In and out of bed to catch as much as possible, but feeling too restless somehow. I probably caught as much as two hours in total the last few days. Still getting massive headaches as well, they are starting to drive me crazy. I seem to get them several times a day now without any real warning. Tried to sleep them off at first, but they often drive me so nuts, I don't even want to sleep and instead just walk around impatiently. Not even sure they are related to the many hours I usually spend behind the computer, but I am trying to stay away from the screens more often now. Fun thing is the pain is always on the right side, where my normal headaches are centered. I can deal with a normal headache, but this pain is insane. I usually get teary eyes before a headache comes up and even a running nose sometimes (usually on the right side again?). I sure hope it will go away again, the same way they all of a sudden started coming up. I might see my doctor about this after I tried a few things I feel to be related to this. So I won't be on the computer as much, take more breaks and even changed lighting where my computer is at. I read that lighting up the background might help and since I hardly have any lights on usually, I am hoping this will work. Also try to remember to turn off my extra monitors more often if I can and changed the brightness somewhat. Maybe I should buy myself some new monitors with a higher refresh rate. Too bad I can't really afford it, but if it will keep me from getting these massive headaches, I don't really care. Anyways, here I am at 9:15am in the morning, having my usual brekkie (coffee without a fag) thinking of what to do today. Really bored once again, knowing that I should not be doing too much work on the computer ... sigh. Just been watching some PAX 2013 on Twitch earlier and noticed I am not even allowed to watch high quality or source without subscribing to the channel for $10 even. What the fuck is wrong with you guys at Twitch!!! Is this going to be the new standard on Twitch for partnered channels? Only allowed to watch good quality if you pay up for it? DAMN, get real!!! Oh well, I am kind of done with Twitch and sure hope there will be an alternative soon with a similarly great community, because the community is great (for the most part), it's just the people running the site that suck! So what to do today? I can name many things that truly need to be done, but totally don't feel like it. I know it would make me feel a lot better though. I just wish to sleep and dream of a HAPPY ME instead of having to deal with every day real life. You know what, I might actually just give it another try, sleep that is! See you all later ... muahhh!

No sleep till ...

Been up ever since my last stream. Can't sleep although I sure tried several times. Got a massive headache, did not stream last night and bored as heck. Twitch been a pain anyway, not even sure if I want to continue streaming. Maybe I should just take a break and stream whenever I feel like instead of trying to follow a schedule and feel guilty whenever I have not been on. The Minecraft server seems to never get ready either and all it needs is some frikkin Bukkit setup and coding LUA for spawn to get it launched. Not sure if I should give up on it coz I sure don't feel like anything lately. Had dinner at 4:30am, fried chicken breasts, potatoes and some green beans the special Daimy way. I am trying to really push myself into doing anything useful but feel numb at the same time. SO coffee it is while watching some Minecraft streams on Twitch to feed my headache and Twitch Frustration. Right now at 8am I could prolly say my weekend started already since it's officially Friday now. Sure looking forward to a drink or two to celebrate this awful mood I am in right now! Happy weekend everyone ;-)

Headaches

First of all, sorry for not streaming on Twitch.tv last night. I will be Live again in a bit though!

    Been having these terrible headaches the last few months and they seem to be related to the amount of time I spend behind the computer (and maybe I worry too much about my private life and the new server coming up). Never used to have any problems spending my time behind my monitors, even for days. Not sure what to do about this, apart from taking more time off and not spend it watching streams or do whatever else on the computer. I do not believe in those gunnars that are supposed to help out. Oh well ... I just hope it will go away again since I have so much to do.

    Last night I decided not to stream, because I want the Minecraft server up and running as soon as possible. If I keep doing builds just to have streaming material, other things wont get done. So I decided to do some coding instead to get the Info monitor at spawn ready. Coding is something I like to stream and even though it might be interesting only for a few, I can truly enjoy it. With some nice music and viewers that are interested in all kinds of coding I can explain or help out. Some kind of tutorial/helpdesk kind of stream. Main reason I did not stream coding last night was the fact it needed my full attention and did not want to get distracted all the time. I would prolly have streamed it anyway if it wasn't for the headache though ... sigh. So sorry about that, I really try to keep a schedule and not let my viewers down too often.

    Still have all the Bukkit permissions to do, protection and regions to set and a few more minor things when it comes to configs. Hopefully the Minecraft server can be officially opened this weekend, although I am starting to doubt I will make it in time. Help is limited and I have to do all this mostly by myself. It's been a while since I worked with Bukkit. I will manage though, no doubt about that, but please be patient. The new Minecraft server will be awesome and with Bukkit plugins set up properly, it will allow us for even better functionality. All I can say is ... "SOON"

    Today I do feel a lot better and I sure hope not to get another headache. Not a clue yet what I will stream tonight, but I do have plenty options. We are working on several games already and I have a few more ideas as well. One of the ideas I have is a Maze map that will make many rage quit and never even finish it. Another idea is an Adventure map with a story and some good puzzles (think of Myst). These are just some planned ideas though and for now I will most likely focus on the games we already started developing. Might even do some coding, since I didn't get to finish the Info panel at spawn yet ... DANG HEADACHES!

Meh!

    So much on my mind and things to do, but feeling like crap at the same time. Really struggling hard to move on and get out of the shit hole I have been creating for myself. Disappointed in many things and most of all with myself. Its so frikkin hard to get my life back on track while not having any energy and just feeling sad and tired of it all. Dangit, life could prolly be so wonderful, why am I wasting time and allowing my depressive nature to take over? I don't even want to share how bad things actually are at the moment. I am an open book but feel ashamed to let anyone in on how deep I have sunk. Really waiting for that 'special' moment when I reach the point of completely being fed up with my shitty life and take action instead. Sadly enough, I am prolly way too used to this feeling/habit, that I won't even care and miss out on that opportunity.

    Where it used to be poker and friends that kept me busy and distracted from 'real life', now it's Minecraft and streaming doing the same thing for me. Don't get me wrong, I truly enjoy doing it and being around people and I love you all. It's just that I seem to flee into it way too much so I can forget about the 'real shit' going on at the same time. This means I am neglecting almost everything that truly needs to be done instead. I can't seem to find a way in between. I am working my ass off to get things done (Minecraft server/website/streaming) while feeling guilty and shitty at the same time because I am not doing anything that actually needs being done (treatment/social life/health/housekeeping). The more I flee, the guiltier I feel about neglecting myself, trying hard to care even less at the same time, making things worse and going down, down ... down.

    I have now come to a point I can't even truly enjoy doing the fun stuff anymore. Worries and guilt are starting to take over completely if I don't get a hold of myself. I must come across grumpy, unreasonable and complaining a lot because I am reflecting my inner self. I am starting to hide a lot as well lately and not trying hard enough to stick with the things I should love doing. Missing out on streaming, not doing enough work on the Minecraft server, website and whatever else that involves building the community I would so love to have. Often feeling sad and terribly depressed ending up in bed, trying to sleep it off, hoping the next day all will be fine again. Of course that won't be the case and instead I feel even more guilty because I should have streamed or worked on things. Speaking of sleeping, damn, ... my sleeping pattern is truly messed up. I will stay up all night until I am really exhausted to finally go to bed. At least I finally do get some sleep again, but I wish I could get some sleep when I should and not sleep through the day or even longer, making it hard to be 'there' for everyone when I should.

    I am thinking of taking some time off to sort things out, clean up the mess, making appointments again. If I continue like this, I will most likely burn out completely and just disappear. Then again, I can't ... I have a Minecraft server to promote, work to do on the website, streaming  regularly for my small community that expects me to be there. I can't just step out like that, I have to be there and work hard for you all I love so much. I am afraid I will miss you all and not do anything at all if I decide to take a break. Giving me even more reason to feel guilty about myself, not getting anything done, because I am so frikkin used to doing so ...

    So yeah ... I just keep on doing the same thing over and over again until I am truly fed up with my stupid depressive habits. Maybe then things will work out, maybe not ... MEHHH!!!

Weekend spoiled :-(

    As many may know, I have got quite a sleeping problem for a very long time. Not just sleeping very irregularly, but also hardly getting any sleep for years now. On average I get about 8 hours of sleep a week, which is way less than most people would normally get. In itself not even that bad, I mean ... I got kind of used to it. I am a night owl and always have been for reasons that go way back to my early childhood. I worry a lot about everything and everyone and can't really sleep till I feel all is well. Very late at night I start feeling more comfortable and relaxed, because then most people should be fast asleep, which means I don't have to worry as much anymore. Now with the internet, this makes a huge difference compared to the normal 'real' life. I meet way more people from all over the world, which means not only more worries, but also messes up time completely. My head never seems to 'shut up' anymore, since there is ALWAYS something going on. Ever since I got internet, my comfy zone changed from late night to daytime. So whenever I do get some sleep nowadays, it would be during the day.

Not been feeling too well

    I feel so frikkin tired last few days and can't seem to get much rest or a good night's sleep. Feels like I got a cold coming up as well. I am prolly just way too busy with setting up my Minecraft server and making sure all goes well. Too much going on in my head, just won't shut up in there ... nothing new though, sigh.
    Another thing that is bugging me is me delaying to make some very important phone calls for new appointments to get treatment going again. Once I got my hair removal treatment done for certain area 'down under', I should soon be able to get my sexual re-assignment surgery. Not sure what is holding me back to just pick up the phone and get things going again. Just too depressed ... still. Also need my Adams apple shaved and have facial hair removal, but that is of later concern although the latter I can most likely start already.
    Just feel so lost and can't really find any energy. Trying hard to kick my own butt to get going again. Makes me cry to see days fly by without having done shyte. I feel like a mess ...

Not been been streaming on Twitch yesterday and won't be today, but back tomorrow again.

Weekend, yay!!!

Server setup fun

    Setting up a new server is so much fun ... NOT. But yeah, last few days been working hard to set up the new Fun Paradise II server. All seemed to be working fine and I went through all the configs when I did the first setup. Today however I noticed new updates, so I had to go through everything all over again. I got it working now though after a few hours of work. I have copied files and changed the way I am doing things regarding the server to make any future updates easier and quicker. Still getting used to the way the FTB launcher does things. I have even been considering to start using MultiMC again for the client side installation, but for now I stick to the FTB launcher.
    I have been working on the forum as well the last few days. I changed a few things and made sub-forums for easier navigation. Some topics are now pinned and/or locked. The Fun Paradise II sub-forum is finished as well now and I already gained a few new subscriptions. I really like the forum now and hopefully my community and the players on the new server feel encouraged to post/reply.
    I had trouble starting to stream again since I have been feeling pretty down. A couple of days ago I started streaming again and it has been great fun. Streaming does make me feel a lot better and secure about myself. Should have started way sooner, sigh. Great to see the regular viewers again and welcoming new viewers. I was amazed to see how many returned the very first stream already. Thanks all, love you <3 So now I am back to streaming regularly again and its great to be back :-) I am considering to set up a streaming schedule for both my JTV and Twitch, but not exactly sure what and when yet. I do like to have my Music Request nights on JTV again. Those differ from the Music War I usually have on my Twitch channel since I only do music and video then instead of streaming a game while having requested songs in the background. I also want to be doing some coding/tech streams as well as different games and maybe even live painting or something else on either JTV or Twitch.
    Today I did a lot of work and even though I started reasonably early (noon), time flies way too fast and didn't expect updating the server to take as long. It's too late now even to shop for groceries and have everything ready for New Year's eve. Damnit, I wanted to be done early and now I find myself hurrying even to be in time to start streaming. So I skipped groceries, haven't had dinner yet (6:45pm), wanted to take a hot shower and will have to skip a few other things to be able to stream kind of early anyway. Today the Fun Paradise II server will officially be open to previously whitelisted players and I am not ready yet :-( I just feel so hurried and want to many things to be done or worked on lately, stresssSSS!

Ran out of coffee and tobacco, working my ass off while listening to Queen, but hey ... keeps me going ;-)

Late Night Fun

    Just got out of bed and trying to wake up with some coffee. I will try to write in my diary more often, I know it's good for me to do so, but I won't make any promises since I know myself well enough. When I feel depressed I usually don't feel like writing.
    So yesterday I had a long hot shower and prepared to go shop for groceries. Did most of the dishes, because I wasn't able to fit everything in the dishwasher. Cleaned up the kitchen a bit as well and even took a few bags of trash down to the container. Been so lazy that it started piling up on my balcony. Promised myself to take more bags down than I made new to eventually get rid of them all again. There must be quite a lot of maggots beneath the bottom ones, I don't even want to know, yuk. Cleaned out my mailbox downstairs, which fills up way too fast with all the folders and free papers in this period. Took the important mail back upstairs with me and of course I had yet again an unexpected bill. I really should check on my mail more often, sigh. Another bill for forgetting to pay my last term for my previous energy provider ... €181,= To be paid before Xmas, yay. Glad it's only €40 bucks more than the original bill, but it's still throwing away extra money. Oh well that was the last of them and at least I can manage to pay for it at the moment. Time to go shopping and get those fries and all the other things I have been craving for the last few days. I always end up with too many groceries, two big bags full, hardly able to carry it all upstairs in one go. Dropped the bags in the living room, went down the stairs again to get the beer and potatoes. Yup, couldn't carry it up all at once. Sat down to catch my breath and have a smoke before I put all the groceries away. Woot, I made it and live to survive a few more days ...
    Bored as I am lately, I couldn't quite find a Twitch channel to watch. I was feeling pretty hungry, but odd enough I didn't feel like making myself fries. Instead I made myself some Dutch pea soup from a tin. Sat in front of my computer again and found Eddy Vegas streaming poker on Twitch. Was fun watching and it made me itchy to play some poker myself. At some point I started up PokerStars to play a tourney, but once I got a list of tables up, I closed poker again. Didn't feel like it as I often don't feel like being on PokerStars. I am still having a hard time playing after all that has happened in the past on PokerStars. Been way too involved ...
    I tried calling my dealer to deliver me some nice hash but couldnt reach him. The doorbell rang some time after and I figured it could be him. Went to the door and was up for a somewhat funny surprise. There were two Policemen and my downstairs neighbour standing in the outer hallway. They wanted to know how I was doing because I had not been spotted for months according to my neighbour. Funny, because I spoke to her like two weeks ago, but I guess she forgot. She had found a website with a post from about 10 months ago. The post was about a friend of mine from Canada being worried sick about me. She had contacted the Police because I was planning a suicide back then and many were of course worried. So because of that post on the internet and my neighbour thinking she had not seen me for months, the Police was contacted once again to check on me. We had a talk and I ensured them I was fine. I gave the Police my phone numbers and they left again. My neighbour came back leaving me some info and asked for my phone numbers as well. Promised to mail them and all was fine. Called my dealer and went back to watch the poker stream.
    After Eddy was finished streaming on his poker channel I tried PokerStars again. Signed up for a 9 player 200k SNG (play money) and did pretty well. In the meantime waiting for Eddy to start streaming on his gaming channel. Someone I know joined the chat, waiting as well. We had fun chatting about poker and the tourney I was in. Funny how empty channels on Twitch with no Live stream sometimes turn into a chat room. Oh well, Eddy showed up after all while I was having fun playing poker and getting pretty intoxicated from all the beers that went down like lemonade. Eddy was streaming a trucking game, but asked me to share my screen through Skype to cast my poker instead. I did well, but lost eventually with only 6 players left. Time to quit and go to bed, I was wasted, but had great fun :-)
    Time for my 2nd mug of coffee and already feeling bored. What will tonight bring me? Do some coding on the website? Broadcast later on? Nahhh, I will prolly just do nothing much, lurk on Twitch and hope to feel tired soon again so I can sleep ... just killing time day after day, waiting for nothing to happen at all.