Wednesday, August 14, 2013


    So much on my mind and things to do, but feeling like crap at the same time. Really struggling hard to move on and get out of the shit hole I have been creating for myself. Disappointed in many things and most of all with myself. Its so frikkin hard to get my life back on track while not having any energy and just feeling sad and tired of it all. Dangit, life could prolly be so wonderful, why am I wasting time and allowing my depressive nature to take over? I don't even want to share how bad things actually are at the moment. I am an open book but feel ashamed to let anyone in on how deep I have sunk. Really waiting for that 'special' moment when I reach the point of completely being fed up with my shitty life and take action instead. Sadly enough, I am prolly way too used to this feeling/habit, that I won't even care and miss out on that opportunity.

    Where it used to be poker and friends that kept me busy and distracted from 'real life', now it's Minecraft and streaming doing the same thing for me. Don't get me wrong, I truly enjoy doing it and being around people and I love you all. It's just that I seem to flee into it way too much so I can forget about the 'real shit' going on at the same time. This means I am neglecting almost everything that truly needs to be done instead. I can't seem to find a way in between. I am working my ass off to get things done (Minecraft server/website/streaming) while feeling guilty and shitty at the same time because I am not doing anything that actually needs being done (treatment/social life/health/housekeeping). The more I flee, the guiltier I feel about neglecting myself, trying hard to care even less at the same time, making things worse and going down, down ... down.

    I have now come to a point I can't even truly enjoy doing the fun stuff anymore. Worries and guilt are starting to take over completely if I don't get a hold of myself. I must come across grumpy, unreasonable and complaining a lot because I am reflecting my inner self. I am starting to hide a lot as well lately and not trying hard enough to stick with the things I should love doing. Missing out on streaming, not doing enough work on the Minecraft server, website and whatever else that involves building the community I would so love to have. Often feeling sad and terribly depressed ending up in bed, trying to sleep it off, hoping the next day all will be fine again. Of course that won't be the case and instead I feel even more guilty because I should have streamed or worked on things. Speaking of sleeping, damn, ... my sleeping pattern is truly messed up. I will stay up all night until I am really exhausted to finally go to bed. At least I finally do get some sleep again, but I wish I could get some sleep when I should and not sleep through the day or even longer, making it hard to be 'there' for everyone when I should.

    I am thinking of taking some time off to sort things out, clean up the mess, making appointments again. If I continue like this, I will most likely burn out completely and just disappear. Then again, I can't ... I have a Minecraft server to promote, work to do on the website, streaming  regularly for my small community that expects me to be there. I can't just step out like that, I have to be there and work hard for you all I love so much. I am afraid I will miss you all and not do anything at all if I decide to take a break. Giving me even more reason to feel guilty about myself, not getting anything done, because I am so frikkin used to doing so ...

    So yeah ... I just keep on doing the same thing over and over again until I am truly fed up with my stupid depressive habits. Maybe then things will work out, maybe not ... MEHHH!!!

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