Saturday, August 31, 2013

No sleep and more headaches

Still hardly got any sleep. In and out of bed to catch as much as possible, but feeling too restless somehow. I probably caught as much as two hours in total the last few days. Still getting massive headaches as well, they are starting to drive me crazy. I seem to get them several times a day now without any real warning. Tried to sleep them off at first, but they often drive me so nuts, I don't even want to sleep and instead just walk around impatiently. Not even sure they are related to the many hours I usually spend behind the computer, but I am trying to stay away from the screens more often now. Fun thing is the pain is always on the right side, where my normal headaches are centered. I can deal with a normal headache, but this pain is insane. I usually get teary eyes before a headache comes up and even a running nose sometimes (usually on the right side again?). I sure hope it will go away again, the same way they all of a sudden started coming up. I might see my doctor about this after I tried a few things I feel to be related to this. So I won't be on the computer as much, take more breaks and even changed lighting where my computer is at. I read that lighting up the background might help and since I hardly have any lights on usually, I am hoping this will work. Also try to remember to turn off my extra monitors more often if I can and changed the brightness somewhat. Maybe I should buy myself some new monitors with a higher refresh rate. Too bad I can't really afford it, but if it will keep me from getting these massive headaches, I don't really care. Anyways, here I am at 9:15am in the morning, having my usual brekkie (coffee without a fag) thinking of what to do today. Really bored once again, knowing that I should not be doing too much work on the computer ... sigh. Just been watching some PAX 2013 on Twitch earlier and noticed I am not even allowed to watch high quality or source without subscribing to the channel for $10 even. What the fuck is wrong with you guys at Twitch!!! Is this going to be the new standard on Twitch for partnered channels? Only allowed to watch good quality if you pay up for it? DAMN, get real!!! Oh well, I am kind of done with Twitch and sure hope there will be an alternative soon with a similarly great community, because the community is great (for the most part), it's just the people running the site that suck! So what to do today? I can name many things that truly need to be done, but totally don't feel like it. I know it would make me feel a lot better though. I just wish to sleep and dream of a HAPPY ME instead of having to deal with every day real life. You know what, I might actually just give it another try, sleep that is! See you all later ... muahhh!

Friday, August 30, 2013

No sleep till ...

Been up ever since my last stream. Can't sleep although I sure tried several times. Got a massive headache, did not stream last night and bored as heck. Twitch been a pain anyway, not even sure if I want to continue streaming. Maybe I should just take a break and stream whenever I feel like instead of trying to follow a schedule and feel guilty whenever I have not been on. The Minecraft server seems to never get ready either and all it needs is some frikkin Bukkit setup and coding LUA for spawn to get it launched. Not sure if I should give up on it coz I sure don't feel like anything lately. Had dinner at 4:30am, fried chicken breasts, potatoes and some green beans the special Daimy way. I am trying to really push myself into doing anything useful but feel numb at the same time. SO coffee it is while watching some Minecraft streams on Twitch to feed my headache and Twitch Frustration. Right now at 8am I could prolly say my weekend started already since it's officially Friday now. Sure looking forward to a drink or two to celebrate this awful mood I am in right now! Happy weekend everyone ;-)

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Music War

Here is the download for the latest music playlist as played on my Twitch TV channel:
Music War August 24th 2013
These are just the requested songs and do not include all the songs played.
Your Media Player needs to be able to play YouTube links directly, I suggest using VLC.
Enjoy ;-)

Thursday, August 22, 2013


First of all, sorry for not streaming on last night. I will be Live again in a bit though!

    Been having these terrible headaches the last few months and they seem to be related to the amount of time I spend behind the computer (and maybe I worry too much about my private life and the new server coming up). Never used to have any problems spending my time behind my monitors, even for days. Not sure what to do about this, apart from taking more time off and not spend it watching streams or do whatever else on the computer. I do not believe in those gunnars that are supposed to help out. Oh well ... I just hope it will go away again since I have so much to do.

    Last night I decided not to stream, because I want the Minecraft server up and running as soon as possible. If I keep doing builds just to have streaming material, other things wont get done. So I decided to do some coding instead to get the Info monitor at spawn ready. Coding is something I like to stream and even though it might be interesting only for a few, I can truly enjoy it. With some nice music and viewers that are interested in all kinds of coding I can explain or help out. Some kind of tutorial/helpdesk kind of stream. Main reason I did not stream coding last night was the fact it needed my full attention and did not want to get distracted all the time. I would prolly have streamed it anyway if it wasn't for the headache though ... sigh. So sorry about that, I really try to keep a schedule and not let my viewers down too often.

    Still have all the Bukkit permissions to do, protection and regions to set and a few more minor things when it comes to configs. Hopefully the Minecraft server can be officially opened this weekend, although I am starting to doubt I will make it in time. Help is limited and I have to do all this mostly by myself. It's been a while since I worked with Bukkit. I will manage though, no doubt about that, but please be patient. The new Minecraft server will be awesome and with Bukkit plugins set up properly, it will allow us for even better functionality. All I can say is ... "SOON"

    Today I do feel a lot better and I sure hope not to get another headache. Not a clue yet what I will stream tonight, but I do have plenty options. We are working on several games already and I have a few more ideas as well. One of the ideas I have is a Maze map that will make many rage quit and never even finish it. Another idea is an Adventure map with a story and some good puzzles (think of Myst). These are just some planned ideas though and for now I will most likely focus on the games we already started developing. Might even do some coding, since I didn't get to finish the Info panel at spawn yet ... DANG HEADACHES!

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Thnxxx Failurecomesfirst!

Oh my ... once again one of my regular viewers on Twitch TV could not help himself but gifting me yet more games. This time I was given "The Humble Origin Bundle", containing the following games: Dead Space, Burnout Paradise: The Ultimate Box, Crysis 2 Maximum Edition, Medal of Honor, Mirror's Edge, Dead Space 3, Sims 3 Starter Pack and Battlefield 3. Added the ones on Steam first and added a few on Origin that were not available on Steam. I do not need duplicates, so I have a few to give away on Origin.

Thank you so much Failurecomesfirst ♥♥♥

Wednesday, August 14, 2013


    So much on my mind and things to do, but feeling like crap at the same time. Really struggling hard to move on and get out of the shit hole I have been creating for myself. Disappointed in many things and most of all with myself. Its so frikkin hard to get my life back on track while not having any energy and just feeling sad and tired of it all. Dangit, life could prolly be so wonderful, why am I wasting time and allowing my depressive nature to take over? I don't even want to share how bad things actually are at the moment. I am an open book but feel ashamed to let anyone in on how deep I have sunk. Really waiting for that 'special' moment when I reach the point of completely being fed up with my shitty life and take action instead. Sadly enough, I am prolly way too used to this feeling/habit, that I won't even care and miss out on that opportunity.

    Where it used to be poker and friends that kept me busy and distracted from 'real life', now it's Minecraft and streaming doing the same thing for me. Don't get me wrong, I truly enjoy doing it and being around people and I love you all. It's just that I seem to flee into it way too much so I can forget about the 'real shit' going on at the same time. This means I am neglecting almost everything that truly needs to be done instead. I can't seem to find a way in between. I am working my ass off to get things done (Minecraft server/website/streaming) while feeling guilty and shitty at the same time because I am not doing anything that actually needs being done (treatment/social life/health/housekeeping). The more I flee, the guiltier I feel about neglecting myself, trying hard to care even less at the same time, making things worse and going down, down ... down.

    I have now come to a point I can't even truly enjoy doing the fun stuff anymore. Worries and guilt are starting to take over completely if I don't get a hold of myself. I must come across grumpy, unreasonable and complaining a lot because I am reflecting my inner self. I am starting to hide a lot as well lately and not trying hard enough to stick with the things I should love doing. Missing out on streaming, not doing enough work on the Minecraft server, website and whatever else that involves building the community I would so love to have. Often feeling sad and terribly depressed ending up in bed, trying to sleep it off, hoping the next day all will be fine again. Of course that won't be the case and instead I feel even more guilty because I should have streamed or worked on things. Speaking of sleeping, damn, ... my sleeping pattern is truly messed up. I will stay up all night until I am really exhausted to finally go to bed. At least I finally do get some sleep again, but I wish I could get some sleep when I should and not sleep through the day or even longer, making it hard to be 'there' for everyone when I should.

    I am thinking of taking some time off to sort things out, clean up the mess, making appointments again. If I continue like this, I will most likely burn out completely and just disappear. Then again, I can't ... I have a Minecraft server to promote, work to do on the website, streaming  regularly for my small community that expects me to be there. I can't just step out like that, I have to be there and work hard for you all I love so much. I am afraid I will miss you all and not do anything at all if I decide to take a break. Giving me even more reason to feel guilty about myself, not getting anything done, because I am so frikkin used to doing so ...

    So yeah ... I just keep on doing the same thing over and over again until I am truly fed up with my stupid depressive habits. Maybe then things will work out, maybe not ... MEHHH!!!

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Server modpack updated!

Once again the new server modpack has updated. A few mods have been added like Grave Stone, Dimensional Doors and Nuclear Control. We have also done a lot of work on the server to get it ready for the public. Spawn is really starting to take shape now. Just some more building on several things and we should be good to go for that matter. Not completely ready yet, since we still have to work on the config files and Bukkit plugins, but as soon as that has been done we will be ready for launch. MCMMO, another Bukkit plugin will most likely soon be added as well. Please check out the forum for a complete list of the mods for this 1.5.2 pack.