Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Weekend spoiled :-(

    As many may know, I have got quite a sleeping problem for a very long time. Not just sleeping very irregularly, but also hardly getting any sleep for years now. On average I get about 8 hours of sleep a week, which is way less than most people would normally get. In itself not even that bad, I mean ... I got kind of used to it. I am a night owl and always have been for reasons that go way back to my early childhood. I worry a lot about everything and everyone and can't really sleep till I feel all is well. Very late at night I start feeling more comfortable and relaxed, because then most people should be fast asleep, which means I don't have to worry as much anymore. Now with the internet, this makes a huge difference compared to the normal 'real' life. I meet way more people from all over the world, which means not only more worries, but also messes up time completely. My head never seems to 'shut up' anymore, since there is ALWAYS something going on. Ever since I got internet, my comfy zone changed from late night to daytime. So whenever I do get some sleep nowadays, it would be during the day.

    Now what started happening a lot because of this about two/three years ago when it was at its worst, was passing out. Of course this doesn't just relate to lack of sleep, but also has to do with my depressive nature and prolly most important a lot of stress. I was born depressed, it's a chronicle thing I have to fight all my life. I have been in therapy for years, tried all kinds of medication and I learned to live/deal with it. I am also transgendered and after more than 10 years into the process I still haven't had surgery. All this causes frustration, stress and it wears me down. As if this wasn't enough I also had a very hard and stressful time when passing out started to happen. This was also because of my involvement in online poker and being fooled and hurt by several people on the frikkin' interwebs next to all the worries and stress I already got. I was online 24/7, playing poker, working  for security and research for two companies involved in online poker, moderating chat, running a 'home games' club with well over 100 members, scheduled tournaments every 3 hours, streaming Live, coding, developing and whatever else. I met great people, had a wonderful time, but also fell in love a few times, thought I met some great friends as well, just to find out some are fake fibbers only out there to hurt others in whatever way they can. It totally got to me, got hurt real bad, felt like giving up on life and even tried suicide to be honest. I was awake for days, totally consumed by everything that was going on, way too involved. At some point I had not slept for 11 days even, can you imagine? Then my body decided to just give up at times and I started passing out quite often. Waking up on the floor in weird places, sometimes even two to three days later. I had a terrible time, till I just quit all the poker things I did and loved doing so much. This turned out to be a great move, although I sure miss a lot of my 'buddies' out there and my 'baby', the poker club. At least I started to feel better again and getting more sleep.
    So for a year or so I have been getting more sleep and it truly seemed to start changing for the better. Still not getting much sleep though, but at least I started making more hours in bed. Often very rough and restless naps and not always feeling well rested when waking up, but hey, I thought I was getting somewhere. Passing out stopped happening as frequent as it did and last time I can remember passing out was a few months ago. Well, ... until this weekend, sigh. Kind of out of the blue I passed out on Friday afternoon, just as I was getting ready to shop for groceries. I woke up on the living room floor in the middle of the night. I felt terrible of course, but most of all worried again. Passing out really freaks me out, it's such a weird experience and I know it's my body and mind trying to tell me something. I need to change things, get back on track again, live a 'real' life, but I feel so frikkin' exhausted after fighting for nearly 40 years and being hurt and disappointed way too many times. My life has really been a BITCH so far, just so you all know. Of course I spoke to my doctor about it multiple times and I tried meds and whatever else I can think of. I feel like I am running out of options and there is hardly any will-power left in me. So I just struggle on and on hoping for a miracle to happen. That's where I am at now ...
    So Friday got spoiled, was supposed to be streaming Live and felt like I disappointed my small crowd. I run a Minecraft server for a small group of lovely people, they expected me to be there and I let them down. I tried to explain to them what happened, but there is so much to explain I don't even know where to start. It would take me weeks to fully explain how things got me to this point. I am an open book though, but it's just way too much for them to fully comprehend. Worst of all, Saturday the same thing happened, I fucking passed out again, two days in a row now ... OMG! So maybe this explains at least a bit how this past weekend got so screwed up. I can only hope they understand.
    Sunday I just took it easy, not been streaming and tried to relax a bit, get back to my senses. Been doing some chores and thinking a lot about how to change things for the better. I was in a terrible mood as well Friday and Saturday, trying hard to stay reasonable towards friends. Yesterday I finally felt a lot better, got some sleep and shopped for some well needed groceries. I streamed as well and had a good time. I even quit streaming at a reasonable time and talking to an online person I won't call by name truly helped me, even though he might not realize it. I consider him a good friend ... thnxxx, I will get there some day :-) No worries please, let me do that part ...

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