Sunday, January 26, 2014

Not feeling it!

    I need to get my 'real life' sorted so I don't have to worry as much anymore. I want to be the good old 'happy' me again who enjoys the things she does. I need to stop forcing myself to continue doing things I used to enjoy so much. With the joy being overshadowed by worries and neglecting myself there is no true fun. If I do not take care of myself right now, it will not end well. I want fun again ... Don't get me wrong, I love you all, but for now I have to put myself first. Seems egoistic and it does feel that way for me. However I do realize both you and me will benefit eventually.
    I love to stream, I love running a server for you, I love to hang out with you guys and gals, I love to do many things with or for you all. Too bad you and me can only truly enjoy these things when I am feeling well. For a long time I have not truly been enjoying this anymore, but forced myself to continue. This has nothing to do with any of you, but all has to do with me. I try to enjoy, I pretend to smile and we do have our 'good' moments, but deep down I am crying rivers and feel unhappy, not because of you, but because of ME. This needs to change.
    My headaches are terrible and seem to recur on a regular basis now. I still haven't had surgery and this won't even happen, because I stopped making appointments needed to get there. My house is a mess and has been for over a year. Not answering the phone, checking my mail, or responding to the doorbell. I am spiraling down and down into depression. I am as depressed as can be and need to put a hold on this before I reach the bottom. I have tried and fought so damn hard all my life to get somewhere, but got frikkin' tired, exhausted and burned-out. Disappointed, upset, angry ... I hardly feel or care anymore ... fleeing is not a solution, this needs to end, right NOW.
    I am sorry, I will be around, I can't do this alone, I need those who love me or care for me. I will be there when I am and won't be when I am not, just can't make any promises. I need to take care of ME now that I still can. Hope you can understand and this doesn't come as a shock.

Love you all ... muahhh

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